So, I committed FB suicide, thus facilitating a need to fill the long minutes between hockey games. Hence, I give you my attempt at Onion headlines concocted over the course of one Facebookless evening:
Voters deliver ambiguous reprimand to someone or other.
Court documents show local man is not as local as he would like you to believe.
Police crackdown enters third week – still no word yet on what it’s about.
Study finds police body cameras ineffective when pointed at body.
Trump’s hair pleads the fifth.
Trump’s hair wins court challenge, granted DNR order.
Daycare shakeup rattles even veteran toddler.
Study finds easily intimidated subjects more likely to give researchers the answers they want.
Man who, like, killed four teenagers, aquitted.
Survivor of suicide pact admits “not so much”.
Missing 2 year old found alive after parents remember where they last left her.
City councilor decries rise in spork attacks in local high schools, citing ban on handguns as probable cause.
Lawyer admits ‘lack of remorse defense’ not as successful as he’d hoped.
Court rules smoking gun’s testimony ‘predjudicial’, recalls bullets to witness stand.
Commission concludes ‘Lack of credible evidence’ is as good a reason as any to wrap this sucker up.
Bomb makers walk out, citing workplace safety as key issue.
Goodwill ambassador cites lack of goodwill in resignation letter.
Autonomous region declares autonomy after central government expresses regret in making them autonomous in the first place.
Yeah, I know, they’ve all probably been in the Onion in one form or another, and there’s a decent chance I read them a while ago and dredged them out of my alcohol besotted memory pan. But, hey, I amused myself! That’s gotta be worth something….